Almost 1/3 of the Way Through

I obviously have not been writing many journal entries lately. There are a combination of reasons for this …

• I have a lot of work to do, and deadlines only days/weeks away, so I am prioritizing work over diary writing.
• I now have ways of communicating with my parents and Sean much more easily and therefore have other outlets for expression of my thoughts/feelings.
• Things aren’t so new anymore … I am repeating experiences, rather than experiencing them entirely anew.

But, one big reason is that not every day is a good day. I feel like some are waiting for me to fall in love with this place, this work, this experience … and yet, some days, I don’t feel like I love it at all. Some days, I still calculate the days and weeks until I go home.

It’s nothing really to do with this experience in particular. Rather, I think it’s the timing of this experience. For the last three years, I have worked long and hard to get myself to this point. In 2005, I started exploring NGO work as a career by volunteering part-time at a community development organisation and by taking classes in Non-Profit Management, all while working my full time job as an IT Auditor. Then, in late 2006, I finished the Non-Profit Management program and started to put in the work required to get into an MBA program, studying for the GMAT and writing applications in my spare time outside of my full- and part-time jobs. Finally, after a long summer of organizing a move to the UK and selling of much of what we owned, I found myself in a very intense one-year MBA programme. I layered onto that MBA programme a new cultural adjustment to the UK, as well as outside studies in International Development. Finally, I capped off my 9-months of MBA and ID courses with parties, a visit from my family, and a move to London … only to take off for India 2-days later.

Needless to say, by the time I got here, I was (and still am) emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. And it’s not as though I can just absorb this experience for what it’s worth. My adjustment to this new place is compounded by the fact that I have two term papers and a dissertation to write while I’m here, and there are many things going on back home that I continue to worry about (that cannot be overlooked or pushed to the side while I’m here).

So, trying to enjoy and digest all of this new experience at a time when I am very burnt out is resulting in a bit of melancholy and an inability to be able to say exactly how I feel – positive, negative, neutral – about what I’m doing and where I hope it leads. Frankly, I’m almost tired of talking about the topics I love … I just need a BREAK! But, there will be no break. Not until I get back anyway. And so, I press on, dreaming of a big long exhale in September.